The doctor prescribes the following humour to fix your funny bone.
Have a good friday!
In this video, a talk show host tries to interview his guests (one of whom I assuume has had a sex change operation). Could you keep a straight face?
I have many teams under my control. I regularly expand and change each team to suit the workload we have and number of staff we need. Each team I manage is easy to deal with, find new staff etc. However, there is one team that is always a bitch. That team is my SEO team.
SEO (search engine optimization) is a process that involves streamining a website and its content, pusing it to search engines and obtaining exact results and ranking. Websites do not get to the top of Google, Yahoo and MSN search engines by accident, they pay me and I instruct my team to do it for me.
The SEO market is a minefield. It is filled with cheats, liars and scam artists. There are a shit load of e-books, videos, guides etc about fresh new ways that you can do SEO. Each gives it a stylish name as if they have discovered some mystical untold search engine secret. Some are even marketed as “Google Search Engine Secrets Revealed” or some similar such eye catching, meaningless bullshit. Every book on this subject that I have ever read has been complete and utter bullshit. Some of which are sold for hundreds of dollars!
There are so many people who have watched youtube videos about SEO, or illegally downloaded a few e-books and suddenly they are talking like a pro. They have no idea what the hell they are talking about, they simply talk shit and drop in buzzwords. When you ask them the difference between the techniques that they claim to know and normal techniques, they will have no idea. The truth is that they have no or little idea about any of it. Theyre just following the youtube instructional video they saw of e-book they downloaded. Yet they think that they have sufficient knowledge to be paid for it. The very same knowledge they got from a freely available location on the net that anyone can go to and then know everything these people know about SEO.
Let me show you an example. This is me interviewing a prospective emplyee about linkbacks. Link backs are simply links to one site from other sites. This person claims to be able to use White Hat Link Building Techniques. To test her knowledge I wanted them to tell me what the differences were between White Hat techniques and normal techniques. Take a look at what they say and how long they take to reply. This is supposed to be in ineterview damnit!
(11:30:24 PM) me: what experience do you have creating directory linkbacks?
(11:32:01 PM) Applicant: I have been an assistant of a former odesk provider before I created my own account at odesk. I have gone through many successful projects
(11:32:38 PM) Applicant: I am a user of the white hat techniques of SEO and these are the link building. I can do 70-100 links each week(11:32:56 PM) me: what type of techniques?
(11:33:10 PM) me: I do seo myself, but have a huge order from a client and can not do all of the order myself(11:34:13 PM) Applicant: Well, I can do help you with you link building projects.
(11:34:35 PM) me: what type of white hat techniques?
(11:38:45 PM) Applicant: like Link Building
(11:41:49 PM) me: how is it different to link building? what does it involve?
(11:46:27 PM) Applicant: Linking is an important subject for search optimization. Obviously links are important to search engines and to site owners
(11:47:07 PM) me: But how are white hat techniques different from normal techniques?
(11:52:07 PM) me: hello?
(7/7/2010 12:00:05 AM) me: are you there?
It took them 15 minutes to reply to this. I suspected that they were googling for answers so they could sound like they knew what they were talking about. That is why I sent follow up messages. I could tell that they were entering text into messenger slowly.
(12:01:26 AM) Applicant: white hat tends to produce results that last a long time
(12:02:54 AM) me: I dont understand. What techniques are differnt to normal link building techniques that would make it last longer than when normal link building techniques are done?
(12:05:27 AM) Applicant: i mean, white hat technique produces results that last long unlike the black hat which produces fast results.
(12:06:06 AM) me: ok, but I was asking what the differences were between white hat link building and normal link building
(12:17:14 AM) Applicant: Link building helps in getting quality traffic from relevant sites which increases sales. Also when there will be high quality incoming links the site will also be seen as a valuable resource. it helps in creating awarness, visibility and credibility of your site.
The site also obtains wider search engine exposure. It also helps the website get indexed by search engines.(12:19:43 AM) me: I know what link building does. i do it. But what does white hat link building do that normal link building does not do? what are the differences betwen the two and between the two techniques?
(12:20:17 AM) me: I am asking because I want you to demonstrate your knowledge in white hat seo and linkbuilding so that i can confirm that you know what you are doing.(12:34:43 AM) Applicant: A link building method is said to be white hat if it adheres to the set out guidelines of a search engine. This is aimed at ensuring that Internet users seeking information are provided with links that direct them into acquiring relevant and useful information.
(12:35:02 AM) Applicant: This means that website owners should only submit their website links only to sites that have similar information(12:48:54 AM) me: is that in your own words?
(1:26:44 AM) Applicant: yes
(1:37:09 AM) me: Do you own http://atniz.com/2010/06/01/learn-link-building-the-white-hat-way/?
(1:37:29 AM) me: cause that is the only place on the internet that has word for word what you said
Applicant did not respond. They had been caught. I knew it was not their own words because I googled it and found it was copied directly (word for word) from another site. You can see the page they copied it from here.
I could tell as soon as they said “White Hat Techniques” that they were talking shit. I just wanted to pound them for answers so I could demonstrate their lack of knowledge. These scammers could easily trick someone who did not know what they were talking about and its not cheap. You’re looking at $280 for 1000 links.
But thats not where it ends. I also had some other people contact me asking if I wanted to buy a link on a website. They provided the details of the website and it all checked out. I was interested right up until he said the following:
(11:55:18 PM) Applicant: site is for sale too
(11:59:36 PM) me: why would i buy a link to a site you are selling?
(12:00:11 AM) Applicant: because site has manual traffic.
(12:00:21 AM) Applicant: not crap traffic
(12:00:29 AM) Applicant: its 38k alexa
(12:00:44 AM) Applicant: and has listed in best article directory in internet(12:01:48 AM) me: yes, but would I get any guarantee that the new owner would keep my link there? for all I know they may delete it
(12:02:13 AM) Applicant: I’m the owner
(12:02:28 AM) Applicant: i will keep it.(12:03:12 AM) me: I thought you just said it was for sale?
(12:03:38 AM) Applicant: Incase, if i sell the website in future, i will give you details and the owner email to you
(12:03:54 AM) Applicant: i’m thinking about selling(12:04:01 AM) me: but there is no guarantee that he will keep the link on the site?
(12:04:01 AM) Applicant: i havent sold yet.
(12:04:09 AM) Applicant: he will keep the link.
(12:04:28 AM) Applicant: its my guarantee(12:04:38 AM) me: sorry, i dont like the idea of paying for a link on a site that is going to be sold.
(12:05:01 AM) Applicant: no, i’m not selling ste
(12:05:05 AM) Applicant: *site
(12:05:23 AM) Applicant: i just want to know if someone is intrested and if yes how much will they pay
(12:05:25 AM) Applicant: thats all.(12:07:30 AM) me: so youre just finding out how much you can get for it? I was confused because you said ¨site is for sale too¨ so i assumed that the site was for sale too
(12:08:32 AM) Applicant: yes, i just want to know the price of site.
Normally, I would not want to show up people I interview. But with these two people, I thought it was worth showing what a pack of lying bastards these peope are. How they can go back on what they say when it is all right there in black and white.
Seeing how these people are makes me proud of the SEO team that I have up and running. We provide high quality, fully guaranteed results. I know what I am talking about as I designed our entire and fully unique SEO process.
As I work from home, I have to come up with inventive ways to prevent lunacy through complete boredom. Although some of my friends would tell you that it is too late for that! As I spend most of my time working downstairs in the kitchen area, I see the gecko a lot. He lives under my kitchen tiles and comes out at night to hide under the fridge, waiting for an insect to fly past so he can jump out and grab it. Sometimes it is like watching an ambush.
The other night I went to get up as he was out on the floor and he ran under the fridge. His feet and tail were still sticking out. I looked under the fridge and he ran up the wall and behind the kitchen tiles, but still his feet were sticking out.
Take it from me, geckos are terrible at hide and seek!
I was working in my house and took a break. I walked to the window to stretch my legs and take some time out before going back to work. As I looked out the window I saw an almost perfect mushroom cloud. While I highly doubt it is from an explosion, it had an almost perfect configuration that does not come out well in the photos I took.
The base of the cloud was an almost vertical wall with the bulbous cloud on top. Even the clouds close to it showed lines and streaks all leading away from the mushroom cloud.
I couldn’t help but wonder if the shit hit the fan in Korea, would I be able to see it from here. I doubt it, but I did wonder.
Before coming to the Philippines, I went to the doctors to get my shots. At the time, I went to the doctors as soon as I knew that I was going to he Philippines. Unfortunately there was not enough time to get my Hep B shot as it took 6 months. I was advised not to get any dentist work done while in the Philippines.
I made an appointment with the dental hospital to get a tooth extracted, but they said it would take 6 months to get a review and then another 6 months to get an appointment for the extraction. But I did not have that much time.
But while I was here in the Philippines, the tooth worsened and I had to go to see a dentist. In for a penny, in for a pound. I got all my fillings done, but when it came to extracting that one tooth, I bottled out. I have an insane fear of dentists I can not control.
I had also been to the chemist in the uk on the advice of my doctor. I needed anti malarial tablets. “when will you be returning” she asked. “I am not returning, I am moving there” I replied. The problem was that you needed to take these tablets for a week before you left and for four weeks after you return. These are the instructions on the packaging, as such the women in the chemist had no idea what to do if someone is not returning.
I bought a few packs and started taking them as instructed. One per day, plus one per week of the weekly tablet. No problems.
Now, after I have finished all my tablets and am looking for more do I find that the instructions state that the dose I have been taking is half the dose I should have been taking. Is there any point buying more? Should I get more and take the correct dosage?
What the hell do I do when I have moved here and will not be returning to the uk, so can not take the 4 weeks dosage that the instructions suggest?
Here I am working mostly at night and I usually end up with a load of insect bites on my ankles. If just one of them has malaria, I am fucked. I don’t have any health insurance at the moment as I am waiting for my application to complete.
I swear, sometimes I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I see brand names that I recognise, but I do not recognise the products. For example, Crab shell or blueberry & hazelnut flavoured Pringles. When I saw these, I couldn’t believe it. For me, this is a very weird flavour, but I would expect Filipinos to think things like Salt and Vinegar to be equally as weird.
Fruit and nut flavoured crisps (chips) remind me of when the uk went though a crazy stage and had chocolate flavour.
Later, as I was in my bedroom, I noticed some condensation on the window, I went to wipe it off with my thumb, but it was on the outside. WTF? I was confused for a second until I realised that the air conditioning was on, so it was colder inside than outside, causing condensation on the outside of the window.
Sometimes it is as if I am in a totally different world to the one I knew and know, probably because in reality, I am.
I love this quote from the film Grosse Pointe Blank
“Hi, I’m Martin Blank, remember me? I’m not married, I don’t have any kids, but I would blow your head off if someone paid me enough.”
Almost every commercial plane is automated. This includes most functions of take off, landing and in flight management. Pilots are highly trained so that when the shit hits the fan, they know what to do and carry it out with surgical precision.
This flight was a Thompsons flight from Manchester to Lanzerotte. When it sped down the runway to takeoff, a bird was sucked into the right engine causing an engine failure.
Listen to the pilot and you will understand why they get paid so much. And they damned well deserve it. They are a breed apart from the rest of us.
If you watch closely, you will see that the engine starts spitting out flames immediately after sucking in the bird. At this point it is too late to reject the takeoff, the plane has already been rotated and pointed skyward. This is the worst nightmare for pilots as it leaves you in a shitty situation. You only have one option, get the plane in the air, deal with the engine failure and try to come back around and land. While planes can fly on just one engine, it is far from ideal, especially on take off as the power is halved and the plane handles like a bitch as it will turn right easily, but will take effort to turn it left as the right engine is not working.
While the plane spits out flames, the engine is still one. You will see that the plane takes off, the wheels are retracted and the pilots immediately run through the engine shut down procedure. Before the wheels are even in the wheel bay, the right engine has successfully been shut down and the pilot makes the mayday call.
In my opinion, this is an excellent example of well planned procedure and emergency management. They do not fuck around or even pause for a second. They are straight onto the task at hand, dealing with it with lightening speed.
Think about this next time you book a flight. Pay that little bit extra to go with a good airline. When I came to the philippines, I booked with British Airways as I know their pilots are some of the best in the business. Most have been pilots with the RAF which is how they had enough flight hours under their belt before moving in to commercial airlines.
Of all the quotes I could pick from Bill Hicks, I think this is probably the best one to summarise what a god awful mess humans have made of this planet.
“Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead spend it on feeding, clothing an educating the poor of the world which it would many times over, not one human being excluded.
And we can explore space, Together”
Let me get a few things clear here. For anyone that isn’t close enough to have heard it straight from me, I had planned to concentrate on my work and move to spain. But then I met an absolutely amazing woman in the philippines. One of the concerns she raised was “would my friends and family be ok with me dating someone of another race”. My immediate reply was “wtf? if anyone has a problem, fuck them, its their problem and not mine”.
However, I find it interesting that I am faced with different problems than I envisioned. When I tell people about my girlfriend, they will normally say “be careful she may be a man”. Is that a fact? Show me just one story of someone you know where that happened. You dumb bastard you’re thinking of Thailand! Not a single person who has said this has ever been able to give an actual documented example. It was always “i read somewhere…” or “it was a friend of a friend of a friend who I’ve never met…”
Everyone who says this to me is below me in the scale of IQs. I have to say “do you seriously think I haven’t thought of this”. For gods sake, if you know me, I was likely your boss for at least a few years. You should know how cunning I am and how much I think of possibilities. I was responsible for over £1’000’000 per year on average. Do you honestly think I would not think about every eventuality so that my back was covered in every conceivable outcome.
Granted, my girlfriend is called “Ian”. But I wonder why people warn be about her being a man and then fail to provide any evidence at all except some story someone they know once heard.
If you are seriously going to shed doubt on this, how do I know I can trust you? How do I know you do not have an ulterior motive?
Here’s a deal, every time you warn me of this without anything less than heresay, I will punch you in the stomach 
I think that’s only fair.
If you called my Fender Strat Californian Series guitar a Les Paul, I would beat 7 shades of shit out of you, so do not think I would do any less for what you may say about my girlfriend! ok? ok!
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