The phone call

I received a txt message today.
“Call me ASAP. Mam” it said.
I called my mam as soon as I could.

“It’s your grandma” My mam said, “She died yesterday”.
The news shook me like a rag doll in an explosion.

My grandma (on my mothers side) has been mentally ill for a while and they did not know if it was altimeters or dementia. She had been in a home and had at times said “I have led the life I wanted, I had all I wanted, but now I live in this home. I wish I could end it all on my terms. I do not want to live any longer”.

While it was anticipated, I did not truly expect it, however I have not seen her in a while. I had decided that if it were me, I would not want other to see me. I would want them to remember how I was in the past and not the way I had become in old age.

I will forever remember the times we shared, wishing I could have made them better and been a better person than I was. But there is always room for improvement, no matter how you act in the heat of the moment.

When my Grandma on my Dads side passed away, I went to the funeral and was fine until the pole bearers and the car containing my Grandmas body started its procession. At which point I broke down like a baby and cried until the end of the ceremony (and I never cry).

I will not be able to make the funeral this time as I simply do not have the available funds to make the trip (over 2000 pounds sterling). Even if I did go, I would end up saying something I shouldn’t to my Auntie who refused to buy clothes for my grandma when she was in the care home because “she would die soon”.

Grandma, I will think of you every day until the sun no longer rises. I always loved you and always will xxx